Today was the second attempt at rock climbing. Now this is an important fact, when considering that I have lived with an insane fear of heights that has left me hyperventilating after I get more than about 10 feet up in the air. I have now officially rock climbed and reached the summit of both an indoor and an natural wall. BIG. DEAL. The funny thing is though is that the feat doesn't seem to make the heights easier. My fear has not magically disappeared. Each time I smack that last hold at the top with a triumphant yell, "done!" I am still just as terrified as the last time. I wonder when that feeling will subside?
I wonder the same thing about having an eating disorder. I know that I know that I know that what I view in the mirror is an inaccurate depiction of what others see when they look at me but the feeling remains. No matter how many inches were lost, muscle mass is gained and skinny jeans I can slip on and off, I am left with a reminder imprinted in my brain of what is still not enough. Just one more inch, one more pound, one more muscle defined. The feeling doesn't subside. The drive to be perfect from every angle is frightening at times. The mirror does not encourage.
This is the time when you have to just learn to let go. It is not easy. I am certain that on my own I will never conquer these lies my brain tells me about my body. I am also confident that there is a God who has already claimed the victory on this battle. God WILL give me His eyes. I WILL see myself as he sees me. I just get to lean into Him and he is there. He reminds me that I am cherished, treasured, free.
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