Today was the second attempt at rock climbing. Now this is an important fact, when considering that I have lived with an insane fear of heights that has left me hyperventilating after I get more than about 10 feet up in the air. I have now officially rock climbed and reached the summit of both an indoor and an natural wall. BIG. DEAL. The funny thing is though is that the feat doesn't seem to make the heights easier. My fear has not magically disappeared. Each time I smack that last hold at the top with a triumphant yell, "done!" I am still just as terrified as the last time. I wonder when that feeling will subside?
I wonder the same thing about having an eating disorder. I know that I know that I know that what I view in the mirror is an inaccurate depiction of what others see when they look at me but the feeling remains. No matter how many inches were lost, muscle mass is gained and skinny jeans I can slip on and off, I am left with a reminder imprinted in my brain of what is still not enough. Just one more inch, one more pound, one more muscle defined. The feeling doesn't subside. The drive to be perfect from every angle is frightening at times. The mirror does not encourage.
This is the time when you have to just learn to let go. It is not easy. I am certain that on my own I will never conquer these lies my brain tells me about my body. I am also confident that there is a God who has already claimed the victory on this battle. God WILL give me His eyes. I WILL see myself as he sees me. I just get to lean into Him and he is there. He reminds me that I am cherished, treasured, free.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Brave.
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7. (emphasis mine)
We are post #4 in this series of blogging. My posts have been intermittent and quiet reluctantly written. It is hard to be vulnerable. Hard to peel back the layers that so safely protect us from what has the potential to ruin us, to wound our hearts and destroy our reputation. Soul searching throughout this season has revealed to me the root cause, a wound carefully placed in the innermost corner of my heart for no one to find. The reality of things in hiding however is that the maintenance of keeping something hidden is challenging.
I think that in the midst of soul searching and finding the root of it all, I have realized something greater. 2 Timothy talks about the spirit that is inside us as believers. Tonight I had the privilege of being prayed over, empowered and reminded of God's promise to His children. I was affirmed that the parts of me that I see as broken fragments are in fact whole.
So now upon receiving this truth, I am left with two options. Option 1: I play the woe-is-me fiddle and sob at a sad story that happened once some long time ago or Option 2: I believe the promises of God, let him remind me of the kind of spirit that lives inside of me, and experience restoration. I think I'll take the later. The chains are there, threatening to bind me and prohibit me from God's kingdom work but the Spirit inside of me is calling me to be courageous. The story that I have is mine. The heartache and trauma is written but it will not define who I get to be and how the Creator plans to use me. I. will. be. BRAVE.
"Restoration is more than mending broken hearts and bringing closure to sad chapters in life; it is God refusing to let us remain spiritually sick, reviving our hearts and redeploying his children to go back into constructive service for him." -unknown
We are post #4 in this series of blogging. My posts have been intermittent and quiet reluctantly written. It is hard to be vulnerable. Hard to peel back the layers that so safely protect us from what has the potential to ruin us, to wound our hearts and destroy our reputation. Soul searching throughout this season has revealed to me the root cause, a wound carefully placed in the innermost corner of my heart for no one to find. The reality of things in hiding however is that the maintenance of keeping something hidden is challenging.
I think that in the midst of soul searching and finding the root of it all, I have realized something greater. 2 Timothy talks about the spirit that is inside us as believers. Tonight I had the privilege of being prayed over, empowered and reminded of God's promise to His children. I was affirmed that the parts of me that I see as broken fragments are in fact whole.
So now upon receiving this truth, I am left with two options. Option 1: I play the woe-is-me fiddle and sob at a sad story that happened once some long time ago or Option 2: I believe the promises of God, let him remind me of the kind of spirit that lives inside of me, and experience restoration. I think I'll take the later. The chains are there, threatening to bind me and prohibit me from God's kingdom work but the Spirit inside of me is calling me to be courageous. The story that I have is mine. The heartache and trauma is written but it will not define who I get to be and how the Creator plans to use me. I. will. be. BRAVE.
"Restoration is more than mending broken hearts and bringing closure to sad chapters in life; it is God refusing to let us remain spiritually sick, reviving our hearts and redeploying his children to go back into constructive service for him." -unknown
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